Be thankful

Sometimes when you have messed  up, there is a tendency to live your life in regret. I regret a lot of things I've done. I hurt over my past actions. I can look back and say I was really selfish and really foolish. There is no nice way to paint a pretty picture of all the things I've done. I want to though. I don't want it to be as bad as it was(seems). I don't want my past to be as ugly as it was. I don't want to face it right in the eyes and say I forgive myself. If I make it prettier than what it was I make light of the sin I committed. I also make light of the grace and mercy of God to bring me out of that sin. It seems as if I'm in a conundrum. I can dress up my past mistakes. I can use the hurt I suffered as a reason. I can lie. I can hide it. I can live in denial of my past, never really letting anyone close. This is my preferred method. I need you to understand. I really don't mind knowing how ugly my past was. I can understand it and acknowledge the fact that it was God's grace that saved me from myself as long as its only to myself and to God. I don't want to pour my past out and lay it on the alter for God to use and I know he will. I know he could use my past to help people. He could use my past to soften my heart towards the needs of others. There is a lot of things God could do with my past and I want him to sort of. I just don't want people to know that I was liar. I lied of no reason and still do for that matter. I don't want people to know that I stole from my own family. I don't won't people to now about my sexual past.  I hate being confronted with the truth of who I was and what I struggle with. I want my life to be pretty, not ugly. I want my sins to be "small" not great.
I want you read Luke 7(36-50). This woman should be me, but its not. Im more like Simon. I can overlook my past as just a "mistake". I can excuse and say that I wasn't thinking right. I can say it was satan attacking me. I could come up with a zillion + 2 excuses. But at the end of my life when its just me and my God, those won't matter. Everything I tried to protect myself from-won't matter. When its just me and God either I can make light of the grace he extended towards me by saying that my sin wasn't that bad. or--I can admit that I needed his forgiveness. I needed his death on the cross. That surely w/o it I deserve @#!*% . I can admit that I need Jesus to help me defeat the sin in my life. I can tell him that I am powerless and I can't do it w/o him. I can admit that my past is ugly and that  I don't know how to live this life he has gifted me with. I can allow him to come and clean my heart and my life up his way not mine.
Be prayerful that I won't allow pride, insecurity, fear of rejection, or fear of what people may say stop me from doing what God has called me to do. He has called me to go out and help hurting people. In order for me to do that  I must trust him with my hurts. This is urgent because if I don't when I try to help people it will be through my strength; not through God's strength. It be because Im saying the right thing at the right time. Because I sense your need and I know I can help you. Those are all wrong. I am meant to help people because God has so helped me that I don't know what else to do but allow him to help other through me. To end, I want you to understand that in my head I can understand this. I can understand my need to fully accept God's forgiveness on my life. Actually living that out is the problem I face...